Sunday, October 2, 2016

Why Not Me

I cried today. Let's see, I'd say it's been months and months since that happened for a reason other than, say, the series finale of Friday Night Lights.

Why did I cry? Technically it was because E said something unkind to me but the subsequent flood of tears once I was alone in my bedroom came from a different place.

You see, I've made a lot of new friends this year. Friends that I am really thankful for and blessed by. I just found out yesterday that the only single one left is entering a relationship. And I'm so happy for her, I really am. I like to see people find their matches. But yeah, I want to find mine too. And I know how it goes, once people are in relationships they want to spend time with their boyfriend/girlfriend and they do things with other couples. It's perfectly natural. It just that, very quickly, single friends tend to get left behind a bit. It's not out of malice, it's just how it goes.

And of course, with everyone else pairing off, I am again plagued with insecurities. Why not me? Two of my friends have literally lived in this state for less than six months and they have found people. Of course I wonder why no one ever looks my way. Of course.

Am I ugly?
Am I boring?
Too short?
Is it my hair?
My smile?
My skin?
My stupid hips?

I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling so insecure and low and bad. It sucks. But here I am.

I know I have to be patient. I know I have to be still. I know I have to trust. But it's really, really hard.

I'll feel better tomorrow.

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