Monday, October 24, 2016

Being an Adult Sometimes Requires Going to the Pediatrician

Like today when I needed a physical for my new (2nd) job.

That's right. I did the adult thing of getting another job to save more money and thus, I needed a physical. I've been meaning to get around to finding an adult physician but well, never did. So when I needed this appointment as soon as possible, I knew there would be no time for searching around and trying to schedule so I reverted back to the rainbow tiled floor at the Pediatricians.

Yeah, it was embarrassing but not terribly. I went from there to the DMV to get fingerprinted and then to the bookstore to get Huckleberry Fin for my Lit class. Being self sufficient makes me feel happy and independent. I feel like an adult today, even if I do have an animal print band aid on my left arm.

Monday, October 17, 2016

"You Can't Always Get What You Want"

What I want is not always what I need. Not always what is intended for me.

I've been thinking lately that it's actually sinful for me to think things such as,

'I should be engaged by now."
"He's the one that got away."
"Why am I always single? I'm no worse than anyone!"

Because, ok, my plans are not His plans! I shouldn't be anything that I am not because that is clearly not God's plan for me. There really isn't such a thing as the one that got away because, he was supposed to get away. And I must be always single because perhaps I need to grow more before a relationship, perhaps the right person just hasn't come into my life yet.

If I'm living according to scripture, if I'm seeking to glorify God in all that I do, then I am right where He intends me to be.

Simple. The end.

Sure, it can be hard to accept but you know what?

"If you try sometimes, you get what you need"

Sunday, October 9, 2016

He Needs to Be Enough

I wrote last week about feeling undesirable and lame and sad about the fact that all of my friends are in relationships and I am not.

Unfortunately, I've been dwelling on this a lot in the past seven days. It's hard to have such a strong desire for something and watch everyone around you have that desire fulfilled. The bottom line is that comparison is the work of the devil.

I'm serious. It makes you doubt not only yourself, but the plans God has for you. The truth is that God needs to be enough for me to be happy. If I was imprisoned in a cinder block cell with nothing at all, He would need to be enough. God is so much more awesome than anything this world has to offer. It isn't wrong to long for marriage and a family and a good job etc. but I cannot let my happiness depend on it.

If I'm constantly thinking, "I"ll be happy when..." I'm not focusing on the present and all of the things that are going well and good. People who are always waiting for that next thing are never really content in the season of life that God has them in.

This is a challenging season of life for sure. But it doesn't have to be bad. I don't have to let longing and envy consume me because it will make me bitter. And as my pastor put it today, bitterness is an imprisonment of the heart.

God needs to be enough. Because, well, He IS enough!

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

All Things For Good

I wrote this post a year ago about a certain professor who deeply hurt my feelings and ruined my day (but not my life).

Basically, above mentioned professor (occasionally referred to as "that idiot ______) was critical to the point of hostility over a ROUGH draft I had written. She humiliated me in earshot of the whole class and basically crushed my spirit.

Said professor had RIDICULOUSLY high standards for papers, like she was a stickler for EVERYTHING. It was terrifying to submit an assignment for her to judge and write all over and pick apart, especially after what had happened between us. After a crap ton of revisions, I did manage to get a good grade on my last paper though, which was though nice, did not change my opinion on "that idiot _______).

My opinion still remains the same. The women was tactless and rude and insensitive but she taught me a lot about how to write a scholarly paper.

I used the tools I'd learned in her class and continued to get better and better. I've always been good in English, but on a college level, it's mostly been high B's and the occasional A. Academic writing on a high level doesn't come as naturally to me as creative writing but it's been a work in progress.

This professor taught me that it is possible to make someone feel so small that they wish to disappear. She also taught me that using "by contrast" and "to the contrary" are excellent transition phrases. This professor taught me that it is possible to completely humiliate someone without even realizing it, while seeming to actually enjoy it. She also taught me that flowery language and excess detail have no place in an academic paper. This professor taught me that perhaps being so smart may leave you devoid of empathy and emotional cues. She also taught not to refer to a character without putting them in possession of the author first.

To quote myself, "She ruined my day but not my life."

Now that I look back, she actually improved my life.

Funny how that worked out.

You see, I'm currently in a class with a really awesome professor Dr. G. My sister M had Dr. G and warned me he's a very tough grader and it's near impossible to get an A on papers.

Guess what? I got an A on a paper. A 98% to be exact. And some super complimentary feedback from Professor G, the tough grader.

Because of "That idiot _______". Yep. The hardest times can lead to the best.

I'm super proud of myself. But I'm also not arrogant to think that all credit goes to myself.

It goes to God too, you know for being awesome and giving me the ability to begin with.
And yes, it goes her, that blasted professor who hurt my feelings so badly. Who would have thought? Certainly not me a year ago. But hey, life is funny that way.


Sunday, October 2, 2016

Why Not Me

I cried today. Let's see, I'd say it's been months and months since that happened for a reason other than, say, the series finale of Friday Night Lights.

Why did I cry? Technically it was because E said something unkind to me but the subsequent flood of tears once I was alone in my bedroom came from a different place.

You see, I've made a lot of new friends this year. Friends that I am really thankful for and blessed by. I just found out yesterday that the only single one left is entering a relationship. And I'm so happy for her, I really am. I like to see people find their matches. But yeah, I want to find mine too. And I know how it goes, once people are in relationships they want to spend time with their boyfriend/girlfriend and they do things with other couples. It's perfectly natural. It just that, very quickly, single friends tend to get left behind a bit. It's not out of malice, it's just how it goes.

And of course, with everyone else pairing off, I am again plagued with insecurities. Why not me? Two of my friends have literally lived in this state for less than six months and they have found people. Of course I wonder why no one ever looks my way. Of course.

Am I ugly?
Am I boring?
Too short?
Is it my hair?
My smile?
My skin?
My stupid hips?

I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling so insecure and low and bad. It sucks. But here I am.

I know I have to be patient. I know I have to be still. I know I have to trust. But it's really, really hard.

I'll feel better tomorrow.