Saturday, May 28, 2016

Sometimes Being a Loner is Easier

This is the grand truth of my life. I'm naturally a person that gravitates toward being alone. I'd much rather sit in and read before class starts then make an effort to converse with other students. I'm happier observing parties than I am participating in them. Unless I'm with close family or very select friends, I get nervous in social settings, trying to be liked and making sure I come across the way I intend to.

For the past few years, I haven't had friends that I've hung out with. I still have Claire as my best friend but she lives out of state now. And my one good friend from high school and I just aren't able to coordinate much. I spent weekends alone or with my family, watching TV, movies, writing, reading, hanging out. And I'm happy that way. I'm am so happy to write for hours, or float in the pool with a book. I love having the house to myself.

But I had felt as if I'd been missing something. The need for socialization, I've never been able to fully realize where it comes form...internal pressure? External? Do I want friends because I ought to have them? Do I want to hang out with people just to say that I did? Am I more worried about how others view me than anything else?  I'm not sure. I don't know if friends make me happy because I genuinely want them or because I genuinely feel that I'm required to have them. Either way, the idea of having a good group of friends does please me.

Through the young adult group that I'm involved with at church, I've gotten to meet some great potential lifelong friends. Unfortunately, some drama has gone down recently that puts some of these people on the outs with me and my sister. I don't even fully understand the situation or how we're involved but there is a certain rift now. Additionally, I'm peeved at the way a few people have treated myself and M who really put herself out there but was ignored and rudely mistreated. Both of us tried to get in this friend group and were pretty obviously rejected. After that went down, I really began to think that life was just easier when I didn't have to worry about people liking me, or wanting to hang out with me etc. Being a loner IS easier. But life isn't about easy.

After the rejection, M and I started realizing that perhaps we are more compatible with some other girls and lo and behold, I think we were right. Yesterday we got to hang out with another pair of sisters and it was a good time. And next month we have a Gilmore Girls series finale watch party with another girl who I think is super fun.

What I want is for friendships to be easy like it is with Claire. I want to be able to act stupid and have inside jokes. I don't want awkward silences, I want to have friends that I'm comfortable with. I know it could take a long time to get there but I'm willing to put in the effort.


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