Monday, May 5, 2014

Sophmore Year Reflections

It seems like just yesterday that I was writing my freshmen year reflections, I was pretty hard on myself in that post. This time around I'm not going to beat myself up. As I'm going to a different school in the fall I feel a lot more sentimental.

I came to this school with really high expectations. Moving here and living away from home has been the biggest transition and change in my life so far. It was, no question, the biggest thing I'd ever done. I was so afraid. I did not make any long lasting friends here, I just need to say that. And as much as I've dwelled on and on about my social failures, I beginning to look at these 2 years in a different light. Maybe my time here was more about personal growth, growth within myself. I did so many things and conquered so many fears that I'd had for my whole life. I forced myself to buck up and power through more times than I can count. It's hard for me to write this because I think I had some of the best times of my life in high school but I'm not that same girl anymore. OF course I'll always be myself and I don't even know if the change is noticeable to others. But I know inside myself that I have grown and matured here and I've really come to know who I am, or at least start to figure it out.

I always though that I knew myself so well, my whole life i would think that in my head. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do and exactly how I'd do it. I learned that I am not in control and in letting go of that control, I became more in tune to what God was telling me. It's not always easy to change your path, especially when you are out of your comfort zone but you cannot ignore God's guidance and nudging. I know that now. I think the biggest difference is that I no longer hide my feelings from myself. I have always been someone who keeps things inside, away from my parents and friends but also away from myself. If thinking about something stressful made me upset or uncomfortable I would push it to the back of my mind for later. Often times "later" would never truly come or would lead to me being an emotional mess. Now I know when to bring things to the surface, when to deal with things and how to deal with them. If I need to cry a little before bed? Fine, because I'll feel better in the morning. If I need to talk to someone about what's bothering me, that's ok too. And always, always pray.

In January, I was absolutely done with living here, I could not wait for May. I just wanted to get through it. Now, here I am, less than 24 hours away from leaving this place forever and I am sad. I'm ready to move  on, even if I do questions my decision sometimes. I trust that this new season will be a good one. I would be lying to myself if I said I won't miss my life here, I will. I'll definitely miss being independent, I really like having my own space and doing my own laundry. I'll miss the quiet nights just laying in bed, no distractions, no noise. I'll miss the campus in the spring and fall, the trees always made me smile. I will miss the alone time as it made it so much easier for me to freely think and buckle down on my school work.

Other people may look at my time here as a waste or a period where nothing happened. But a lot happened, even if it is not visible. I don't think it was a mistake to live here these 2 years, I may have said that 6 months ago but I feel differently now. I am so thankful for the experience. I will so miss my little room, my desk where I spent hours typing, writing, doing art. My chair by the TV where I sat every morning and evening. My bed by the window. All of the pictures and decorations I hung up. I can't believe it's over.

If I could sum this year up in one word it would be: discovery. I discovered myself, I discovered my true path and I discovered how to trust in God's plan for me. So, as I say goodbye to this school, this campus, this life I will look to the future in hopes of more discoveries to come.


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