I have been doing really well in school, much better than expected and I am proud of myself but I struggle with motivation every day. I often wondered why I wasn't as dedicated or excited about the whole college things as other people. I think I've figured it out. I am not a career-driven person, I have not fantasized about my dream job or even had a dream job. For me, college has just been the natural progression of things. I look at people like Claire or even M and they are so driven by their career. They work as hard as they can to make it reality. Claire cannot picture herself doing anything else, she has a plan laid out for exactly where she wants to go in life.
I have that plan too.
It's just different.
I have never been driven by a career. Don't get me wrong, I am excited by the idea of being a speech therapist but I do not dream about it. I do not really see that being the end all be all. No. All I ever want in life is to be a mother. That's all I've ever wanted since as I long as I can remember. I have daydreamed about taking care of my future children from the time I was little. I think about it every day. I would jump through hoops, go leaps and bound to make my dream a reality. If there was a school where you came out a mother, I would do all I could to go to it and graduate with honors.
There's a problem though....
My goal does not depend on just me and all that I would do...it's not enough for me to just want it or to practice by babysitting and what not.
My plan is actually completely out of my hands as it depends on someone else falling in love with me...
...and me falling in love with him.
And this is why it's hard for me to be too into college or to put all of my heart and soul into my work. My mind is elsewhere a lot of the time. My mind is on a little blond baby name Polly and wishing she could be mine soon.
I don't know if this whole thing comes of as weird or desperate but I don't care. People are allowed to go on and on about women in careers and women in power and women doing this or that. Well, this woman wants nothing else but to be a mother and I'm not going to feel bad about it.