Monday, February 17, 2014

Whats on my Heart

There has been quite a few deaths as of 2014, no one that I was very close to but certainly people that will be missed by many, myself included. Saturday we had movie night with my favorite aunt and uncle, just as we were finishing dinner the phone rang. It was my moms best friend calling to say that her mother had passed away from the cancer she'd been battling. My mom was heartbroken for her friend and also for herself as she was like a second mother to her. E said later on how sad she would be if her best friends mom died and then I realized that I knew almost exactly how my mom felt, because, to a somewhat lesser extent, I'd experienced it myselr..

In 3rd grade a new girl, S, moved right across from my cousins and she was in my class at school. Her dad passed away almost right after she moved and soon after we became best friends. From that point to 6th grade we were very close. One year I came to her house every Monday while my mom was working, we played sports together, hung out whenever I was at my cousins and went to camp together. Naturally, her mom became a big part of my life. She drove us places, took us to the mall or to other events. Even though S and I grew apart during middle school, I would often still see her family because they lived by mine.

In 10th grade, S's mom died. I remember very clearly that I was going to the wake right before going to babysit my favorite family. My dad took me and as soon as we got into the church and I saw the casket, I froze. I could hardly choke out the words that I could not go up there. My dad seemed to understand and went by himself. S moved away that same year and I think about her often. I wonder why God gives some people so much adversity and others, like myself, can float along relatively unscathed by the cruelties of this earth. I don't understand God's plan for everyone but I trust in it with my whole heart.

Death, in any form, is hard. I never cried during movies or books or songs but after my dog was killed in 9th grade I experienced a sort of raw sadness that allowed me to be a lot more emotionally open. It was as if I needed to have that sort of breakout event of grief so that I could understand true sadness. I don't think that's a bad thing, in fact I'm glad I can be more real in that way, I used to keep my emotions in in the worst way and now, even if only in private, I can truly release whatever is inside.

I don't know what the intent of this post was or how exactly I got so off track but I guess what I'm trying to say is that death and sadness is a part of life. That I am understanding that someday I will not be so lucky as to only have had a few deep experiences with it. Time goes by and things can change in an instant. Literally, an second is all it takes. So more than every I am appreciating each day, each loved one and each minute here on earth. All the while knowing that God promises the best is yet to come.


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