Tuesday, February 11, 2014

The Ache

This post is a little personal but it's important that I document how I'm feeling, my honest feelings because this blog is like my journal.

For the past year or so I have felt a sort of dull ache in my chest. An actual physical ache and I know what it's attributed to. I don't know of a good way to put it other than I'm ready for some type of a romantic relationship. I have never had a boyfriend and I'm almost 20. This sort of embarrass me but at the same time I'm not sure if a high school relationship would have suited me. Here in college though, I sort of expected it to be easy to find a worthy boy. It hasn't happened. I do pray about this, I pray not in a demanding way to God but in more of a "I'm ready for it whenever it's meant to happen." Yet I am inpatient, I see people coupling off all around me and I'm envious.  I want someone who loves me in that way, who thinks I'm pretty and who I can potentially spend the rest of my life with. I want to go out to dinner and see movies with someone who truly wants to be with me. Is it selfish to want those things so desperately? I don't know but I do know that it's human nature. And human nature is not patient.

This is going to sound terrible but I honestly feel like on one would ever want date me or even marry me. I just feel that there are so many people more attractive or more interesting than I am, why would anyone choose me? When I catch myself thinking like this I have to remind myself that God created me and if I am worthy of His love than I can surely be worthy of someone elses.

So I wait and I daydream and hope and pray that maybe this will be my last Valentines day alone.

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