Everything is really hard right now. Well, my classes are great but everything else is not. I, once again, cannot seem to really find my place here. I feel like I'm over it...I don't know what to do. My roommate is closed off and talks on the phone 24/7 and I feel like I continually fail in the social department even though I'm always friendly. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of having to be away from my family and home in order to go to school. I'm tired of feeling like a failure and a disappointment for not making friends. I'm tired of comparing my life to everyone elses on facebook. I'm tired of constantly longing for the past yet aching for a brighter future. I don't want to be here right now at all. I want my old roommate back or my own room like I had my first semester. I'm wanting to be done with the is whole campus-life thing. I'm obviously no good at it. Maybe this just isn't me.
But then, a part of me remembers my first semester last year and smiles. Because for a while there, I had a really good thing going. I lived alone but I spent many nights peacefully doing artwork or schoolwork and not worrying about someone else keeping me up at night or waking me in the morning. I remember the weekly TV nights with K and my carefully scheduled out days. I remember feeling content even though I didn't really accomplish what I'd hoped for. I really liked it then. I studied hard and spent evenings leisurely reading or watching netflix. It was good. But...I still feel like that time was even a failure. I didn't make a single long lasting friendship. I am so sick of the pressure that is put on me and that I put on myself. I don't know how to continue on feeling as if I will never get this social breakthrough.
In high school I went the first two years with no meaningful friendships and then for junior and senior year I had the best group of friends. I felt appreciate and safe and not nervous about how I acted. Those two years were a huge blessing from God as I had finally found a place to fit in. But freshmen and sophmore year were rather lonely in school and yet I came home to a houseful of people who loved me and who I could talk to and hang out with. Here, I come back to a tiny room with no one and yes, it makes me sad.
Right now I just feel so dejected that I don't even feel like I want to have the energy or effort to "put myself out there", I have done it so many times and gotten nowhere. I will continue to pray for "someone" as I have been this past summer. I've been asking God for a good friend or a good relationship. I have to really trust in Him right now that everything will fall in to place. It's so hard but He is with me through it all.
I don't know what this year is going to look like and I have no crystal ball. I've just got to go along blindly and hope to catch my footing.