Monday, August 26, 2013

Ouch

Everything is really hard right now. Well, my classes are great but everything else is not. I, once again, cannot seem to really find my place here. I feel like I'm over it...I don't know what to do. My roommate is closed off and talks on the phone 24/7 and I feel like I continually fail in the social department even though I'm always friendly. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of having to be away from my family and home in order to go to school. I'm tired of feeling like a failure and a disappointment for not making friends. I'm tired of comparing my life to everyone elses on facebook. I'm tired of constantly longing for the past yet aching for a brighter future. I don't want to be here right now at all. I want my old roommate back or my own room like I had my first semester. I'm wanting to be done with the is whole campus-life thing. I'm obviously no good at it. Maybe this just isn't me.

But then, a part of me remembers my first semester last year and smiles. Because for a while there, I had a really good thing going. I lived alone but I spent many nights peacefully doing artwork or schoolwork and not worrying about someone else keeping me up at night or waking me in the morning. I remember the weekly TV nights with K and my carefully scheduled out days. I remember feeling content even though I didn't really accomplish what I'd hoped for. I really liked it then. I studied hard and spent evenings leisurely reading or watching netflix. It was good. But...I still feel like that time was even a failure. I didn't make a single long lasting friendship. I am so sick of the pressure that is put on me and that I put on myself. I don't know how to continue on feeling as if I will never get this social breakthrough.

In high school I went the first two years with no meaningful friendships and then for junior and senior year I had the best group of friends. I felt appreciate and safe and not nervous about how I acted. Those two years were a huge blessing from God as I had finally found a place to fit in. But freshmen and sophmore year were rather lonely in school and yet I came home to a houseful of people who loved me and who I could talk to and hang out with. Here, I come back to a tiny room with no one and yes, it makes me sad.

Right now I just feel so dejected that I don't even feel like I want to have the energy or effort to "put myself out there", I have done it so many times and gotten nowhere. I will continue to pray for "someone" as I have been this past summer. I've been asking God for a good friend or a good relationship. I have to really trust in Him right now that everything will fall in to place. It's so hard but He is with me through it all.

I don't know what this year is going to look like and I have no crystal ball. I've just got to go along blindly and hope to catch my footing.

-G-

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Summer Goals Revisited

It's that time again! It's seems like hardly any time has passed since I was going through last years goals...

1. Grow in my faith and as a person (x)
I think I have grown in my faith some, I've certainly had to give a lot of stress and worry to God. I think that there have been some very convicting messages at Church over the summer months that I've learned a lot from.

2. Gain patience and improve with E ()
Although I think I did gain some patience, there is a lot of turmoil in my relationship with E. Initially I thought that the two of us were going along well but apparently she felt the opposite. Honestly at this point I don't even want to be around her because she has absolutely zero respect for anyone else and only cares about herself. It's sad but in order to avoid conflict I really have to not even try to talk to her. I really hope this improves but that's just the way it is now.

3. Get a good tan (x)
I got a lot of sun during vacation and although initially I had a bit of sunburn, it definitely turned into a straight up tan. I didn't get a whole bunch of opportunities to go outside and swim because the weather stunk but I tried to take advantage of the nice days. 

4. Spend a lot of time outside, swimming, biking, etc. (x)
As stated above, the weather is what prevented me form doing this but I did it as much as I could. I swam a lot on vacation (a lot!!) and I biked when it was nice and walked my dog a lot. 

5. Develop a friendship (x)
Ok, this one is kind of cheating because it's not a friendship yet but I'm really hoping it will turn into one. I met a very nice girl that lives next door to me in my dorm building at school. I'm really hoping and praying that we could become friends this year. 

6. Read at least five books (x)
Well, I just finished this one today! I spent more time not reading that I did reading because as usual I had a hard time finding books. But, this week I powered through 2 memoirs, getting me to my goal! Here's what I read: 
Wonder by R.J Palacio
Report Card by Andrew Clements 
The Promise of Stardust by Pricille Sibley
Winning Balance by Shawn Johnson 
Off Balance by Dominique Moceanu

7. Have a perfect day (x)
Although it would be impossible to have an actual perfect day, I had two that were pretty close! 
Read about them here and here.

8. Do one thing crazy ()
Although I biked up insane hills to our new local library and nearly died afterward...I'm not sure that would be classified as crazy. Nothing truly insane was done this summer. Boo.

9. Improve my skin (x)
Although I still have occasional blemish breakout, my skin really did clear up. Of course I am currently nursing a mean chimple (chin pimple) but I think as I'm older the acne is phasing out. 

10. Witness to someone ()
I sadly didn't seize an opportunity to do this. 

11. Take lots of pictures (x)
Using the new camera I got for Christmas, I documented our summer quite well! 

12. Eat healthy ()
I did eat healthy meals and snacks but every day I had a desert item. Literally every day. Ice cream, cake, cookies and more. I don't even feel bad about it. 

13. Go out of my comfort zone a few times (x)
I did this! My germ fears were lessened and on other events. 

14. Join a Bible study (x)
My mom and sister and I joined a study on Proverbs this summer. We had some great discussions and I really enjoyed it. 

15 Have fun! (x)
This summer was a good one, I felt like I did a lot of stuff and spent a lot of time with my family. I am thankful for these past 3 and a half months and can't believe how fast they've gone!

Goals Accomplished: 11/15

-G-

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Anticipation and Anxiousness

Though I won't be staying in my room until Sunday night, I move my things into my dorm today. I have a lot of pent up anxiety and anticipation about this year. There are a lot of things that are stressing me out big time so I really can't wait until everything is sorted out. Hopefully that will be done today. I am not nervous about the academic portion of school, never have been. It's always other things that seem to get me down. I would hate for any other stressors to get in the way of school stuff.

I realize that I absolutely avoid this blog when I'm stressed out or upset. I'd like to go back to using this as a place where I can write about whatever is bothering me, that really seemed to help last year. Ideally I would like to post every day until Monday, we will see!

-G-


Friday, August 16, 2013

Fun Festivities and Family Time

Yesterday morning M woke me up around 8:30 and we watched Full House together. As corny as it is, I'll always love that show! E went to band camp so it was just M, me and my dad going down to this festival that happens every year about 20 minutes away. My dads cousins daughter and her daughter El (who M has been watching) live right near the fest so we hung around there and then walked down the road to watch the little parade they were having. A couple other family members were there and we all had a good time watching El marvel at the possession and take pictures with various peoples iphones. Afterward we went back to the house and ate delicious and healthy food! I had a sandwich, pasta salad and fruit. We sat on the front porch and chatted. Our cousin K was there, she's a few years older than me and so sweet. We all played on El's slide. Later on a few of us walked down to the festival, El got totally overwhelmed so we didn't stay too long. I was fine with that because it was so crowded. Another one of my dads cousins came by with tons of cookies and cheesecake. We stayed a little longer and then had to leave so my dad could get E and M and I could get my mom.

While mom worked out M and I hung out at the bookstore and I read some old books from childhood. Love. We walked around a clothing store when my mom returned and then came home to relax. I was super excited because the P&G gymnastic national championships started last night and I thoroughly enjoyed every second!

It was a great day!
-G-

Monday, August 12, 2013

Lately

At this moment my mom and sisters are laughing hysterically because E just got her marching band uniform and it's rather funny. Anyway, over the weekend I got to hang out with C, watch fireworks and go with my mom and favorite aunt to a fitness challenge type festival. Today I worked and hung out with Mallory and El at the playground.

I think that as we get older, Claire and I actually become even closer. I think its an accumulations of so many shared experiences and as we mature I think we realize how special our friendship is. C means so much to me that I literally don't know what I'd do without her. I told her that I can only imagine feeling so strongly about someone if I was marrying them or they were my child. I know that sounds really extreme, and it is. I'm obviously not in love with Claire and she certainly isn't my offspring but we really do have a special bond. I know with all my heart that we'll always be friends. I know we'll be in each others weddings and our kids will play together all the time. This year, she's going to college in another state. She is literally getting to pursue her dream and I'm really proud of her. I'll miss her but I know she's doing something that she loves.

In other news, the chain to my beloved cross necklace broke so I haven't been wearing it. It's odd to reach up to my neck expecting to fiddle with it and finding nothing there! Hopefully I can get a new chain soon. I have a lot of back to school shopping to get done.

-G-

Monday, August 5, 2013

First Weekend in August!!

Alright, lets get down to it!

Friday: I had to work Friday from 7-3pm. They were really short staffed for the next shift so they wanted whoever was there to do all the vital signs for their assigned rooms. Let me tell you, I think I did 50 vitals signs in my 8 and a half hour shift. Fun stuff! Afterward my mom and sisters went to the mall but I opted to chill at home. I watched some ANTM and Quints by Surprise :)

Saturday: In the morning my mom went to work out and my sisters and I hung out a nearby bookstore/coffee shop. I ate a muffin and read People magazine. Before going home we stopped at Target to buy a gift for my cousin B's daughters 3rd birthday party. At the party I got to see my cousins and all the cute babies. Love it! Watching B's daughter opening gifts was so fun. We all went to a minor league baseball game after and I had a nice time eating ice cream, chatting and watching fireworks.

Sunday: My mom had to work so my dad and sisters and I headed to church. After they had a picnic where the members pack lunches (and food is provided for guests) and eat together. My dad had to work at home and E didn't want to come so M and I went ourselves. Our favorite uncle ended up staying with us and we shared our food with him. Once we got home we had to drive E to my cousins and walk our dog. Then we picked her back up, stopped at the grocery store and picked up my mom from work. When we finally returned home some of our family was already there since we were having them over for dinner. I made a nice natural salad.and my dad made AWESOME eggplant. I enjoyed eating together and having a discussion on GM foods...ha. Uncle D brought pies for desert! Yum. Later on M and I watched some Kid Nation before bed.

Today (Monday): I went with M to her babysitting job with my cousins daughter El. We chilled and watched Full House before El woke up and then we all played before leaving to come to our house. I went with my mom on a walk and then all of us girls went to an outdoor outlet mall so I could buy some new jeans. It was a success! I got two new pairs and a shirt. El had a great time feeding the ducks and riding in her stroller. Later on we have Bible study and it's our last one :(

Oh and I've been watching a lot of gymnastics on youtube lately, I am obsessed and can't wait for nationals!
-G-

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Olympic Rewind

Oh how I wish the summer Olympics happened every year. I follow all of the gymnasts from the USA team on instagram and yesterday they all posted pictures from last year when the team won gold. I saved my recordings from all the women's gymnastics events and rewatched them many times. The hours of footage took up so much space on my DVR so I had to delete them knowing that it was also online. Unfortunately, NBC took it off of their site and only certain portions are on youtube. I do watch what I can but I really want to see the exact same broadcast that I saw on NBC but it seems to be nowhere.

Alas, I'm reposting my Olympic Women's Gymnastics Reviews in honor of the one year anniversary. I am so excited to tune into the P&G Competition in a few weeks and the World Championships in September. But I am most excited of all for the Rio Olympics in 2016!
-G-