Thursday, May 9, 2013

Freshmen Year Reflections

Well, here I am. Sitting at my empty desk next to my bare walls. Tonight is my last night here after 8 months. Crazy, right?

So of course, I'm reflecting on my time here. I don't really feel like writing right now but I'm going to make myself because it's always been important to me that I'm honest with myself on here.

In some ways, I feel like I've failed my first year of college. Not academically, I did well in that area. Not emotionally, I overcame a lot. But socially. I came here paralyzed with fear that I wouldn't make friends and, to be honest, that's kind of what happened. I have the people I met in Bible study, my roommate and that's it. No girls on my floor that I talk to, a few people from classes and stuff but no meaningful long term bonds were made. All year I would see pictures on facebook of all my former classmates having the time of their lives in college and meeting tons of new people. This didn't happen for me and it makes me sad but also kind of angry. Mostly angry at myself for not putting myself out there enough. But at the same time, what more could I have done? I don't know, I'm always friendly but I've never been very good at making friends. When I went back to work over spring break I ran into Carol who, by the way, is one of the most genuine people I know. Anyway, Carol had always looked out for me and the first thing she asked was "School is good? And you have friends?". I lied and told her yes. She was the only person to ever ask me that. Everyone else's questions ranged around homesickness and studying and dorm life. No one ever asked if I had made friends, maybe she knew this may be an area of struggle but she just got it. Her worry and concern when she asked that question was clear and evident.

I'm disappointed in myself. I need to say that and I need to try and figure out how I can improve for next year. I so badly want to make lifelong friends here, I would love to meet my future husband here. I recently started praying so hard that God would bring me someone this summer. A friend, a boyfriend, anyone. I'm ready for some new people in my life.

This year wasn't bad by any means, and I need to give myself at least a little credit. I was petrified to come here. It was near impossible for me to picture myself living in a dorm away from my family. But I did it and I managed to really get into a good routine here. And academically, I really made my parents proud and that's something I rarely did through my grades in high school. This year was not a fail by any means.

I really am thankful for this experience, and I need to emphasize that I was not depressed or even lonely during these 8 months. I do wish for more friends but I made a good time of every day. It was the little things and it was also one big thing, my faith and the strength that it gives me daily.

Freshmen year is nearly complete and I'm thanking God for all of it. 

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