We jumped right into our Jazz text book at the beginning of class. Today's theme? Body alignment. We were going to find our center. Of course, our book also had a section called misalignment, as in what was about to happen to me as soon as we started practicing. There were some illustrations of Lordosis (sway back), Kyphosis (hunch back) and my old friend Scoliosis (curved back). For a minute there I was afraid that they had used my old x-ray as inspiration for this particular drawing. If that is the case then I'm certain that I'm entitled to royalties.
Third one on the right, me??
Anyway...as soon as the teacher told us to find partners I pounced on Pigtails sanding next to me. Sorry Denzel, you just didn't make the cut. We were supposed to take turns laying on the ground and trying to press our back flat and suck in our stomach. Pigtails did a great job, right on the mark. When it was my turn the teacher came over and we had this lovely conversation:
Teacher (pressing my back flat): You said you have scoliosis right?
Me: I did
T: Blank stare.
Me: I mean, I used to but I got it fixed.
T: Did you wear a brace?
Me: No, I had surgery. My spine is fused.
T: Oh. (pressing on my legs) I also noticed that you have some trouble keeping your legs straight when we do our kicks.
Me: Maybe it's because I have bowed legs??
T: Blank stare.
Me: Never mind.
First of all, I love my teacher. She's a really nice lady, but geez! Wouldn't you expect a dance instructor to know at least a little bit about skeletal dyspepsia? Is that really asking too much?
Oh, I digress.
Finally it was time to do our floor exercises (excuse me if I'm still using the Olympic lingo, old habits die hard). Guess who my partner was? I'll give you a hint, she's very short like me and we used to be married. You guessed it! The ex-little couple was back together, but not really because I don't want to feel tied down anymore. So, from now on she will be known as Band Girl. Why? Because this chick is clearly stuck in her high school marching band days. Every time we learn something new she's all like: We did that in band! or In band we did those starting with the left foot. This would be fine if I actually cared which side she used to do her pivot turns on, unfortunately for both of us, I don't.
Meanwhile, back at the studio, I was trying to keep that darn leg straight. I was watching myself in the mirror and concentrating so hard that my tongue may have been sticking out and beads of sweat may have been dripping down my poor fused spine. In any case, I didn't look too hot. Finally, I achieved perfection! Only too bad for me because in order to achieve that perfection I had locked my knee and I soon found myself plummeting forward. The upside? Well, there wasn't one because a bunch of people saw.
Then we got to gallop. I don't know about you but that's something I've been doing for years. So home-girl galloped like it was nobodies business! At last, the class was about to be over when the teacher said she was going to show us one last thing. It was some kind of rolling-on-the-ground-turn and although it was fun, it made me very dizzy. But I didn't hit into anyone so I considered it a success.
Now I have the whole weekend to practice!