As much as I would like to avoid the subject, I realize that I can't really do that any longer. I'm going to college in 27 days.
Some parts of me feel as if I'm not nearly ready. I can't stand to be alone when I don't feel well and I still carry around an immense fear of being kidnapped. I can't even imagine what it would be like to deal with the stomach flu or a migraine all by myself. It scares me half to death. Some nights I can't sleep just thinking about how worried I am. I can't take the anxiety that comes with talking about it. I hate the unknown and more importantly, I despise change. Get me in the right mood and I'll sob about getting my hair cut or moving my bedroom. I'm not even that sensitive of a person but change and memories really do it to me. I know so much that I can't stop time but that doesn't make it much easier.
On the other hand, I am excited to be on my own. This past year I have experience what most high school seniors have, the feeling of wanting to break free and be independent. I'm excited about making new friends and starting anew. I've went to the same school my whole life and I've never had an opportunity to have a fresh slate. I'm interested to see what kind of people I'll click with and if I'll find someone as awesome as my two best friends here at home.
What makes it even harder is that I have a really great homelife and an awesome family. There are those kids who hate their parents and can't wait to get away. That is so not me. I love my parents to death and it saddens me that I'm 18 now and technically not under their care anymore. It sounds weird but I miss sitting on my moms lap or having her scratch my back like when I was a little girl. I love her and my dad so much.
So, am I ready? No. Would I ever be completely ready for something so life changing? Maybe not. And I doubt I'm the only one but that doesn't help much. Just because everyone else is freaking out it doesn't make it any easier for me. The bottom line is that I have no idea what to expect so I'm pretty much expecting the worse. My hopes in writing this out is that I will look back on it in a few months and think of how silly I was for being so nervous. That is what usually happens to me, I make a big deal over something that turns out just fine.
But what if it's not fine...
I have been told by quite a few people that the first few weeks of college are extremely tough and lonely. I hope that this blog can keep me company. It helps to type this out, it really does.
BUT most importantly of all is that God will be with me every step of the way. I console myself with this fact every single day. I know I couldn't do it without Him, and all things are possible through Him. He has a plan for me and I can't just sit at home and wait for it to unfold. I have to go out and seize these great opportunities that He has put in front of me. I trust in Him.
When I am afraid, I will trust in you.