Sunday, December 4, 2011

Remember When I Said...

That I could handle being a teen mother?? I am 100% not ashamed to admit that I was wrong. I am in a child development class at school and this weekend I had to take home this fake baby that cries when it needs changing, feeding, burping or rocking. It is on a real infant schedule so yest, it wakes me up in the middle of the night. Tonight is my last night with it and I am not looking forward to it at all. Mothering is tiring, constant and time consuming and I am in no way ready for it at this point in my life. It also doesn't help that I have no emotional attachment to my "baby" (looks just like a doll with a computer chip inside!). I do not want to do it anymore! And it's only been 2 days. I'm praying that this baby does not keep me up all night because I have school tomorrow, but alas it has been sleeping nearly all day so I'm expecting the worst....oh boy.


Thursday, December 1, 2011

Im Still Here!

I really was planning on writing a nice, detailed, well thought out post but I don't have the energy or time right now. Tomorrow for sure!!! Don't lose faith in me, I appreciate anyone who is reading this! You make my day!


Wednesday, November 23, 2011


So tomorrow is thanksgiving and around this time most people reflect on all of the things they are thankful for.

Here is what I am thankful for this year:

  • I am thankful for my parents. I am seriously convinced that I have been blessed with the best parents in the world. They love my sisters and I unconditionally and they will do anything for us. Both of them work so hard to provide for us and even when they are tired or stressed they always make time for us. I love them more than words can express. 
  • I am thankful for my sisters. My older sister is my built in best friend and we do so much together, she is always there for me and gives me well thought out advice. My younger sister looks up to me so much, even though we get along sometimes deep down I know that we both love each other deeply. I can't believe how much she has grown up this year, she is taller than me now!
  • I am thankful for my school. The teachers there are so willing to help me out when I don't understand something and some of them I even consider to be my friends. I used to detest going to school but as I got older I began to appreciate just how blessed I am to have such a great school. 
  • I am thankful for my house. I have lived here my entire life and I couldn't imagine it any other way. I love out fireplace that my dad made himself, I love our cozy rugs and couches. I adore my new bedroom and all of the new furniture I have in it. Most of all I love how familiar everything in my house is. I have memories in this house from the time I could remember at all. My first memory is of me throwing my stuffed animal out of my crib in the room that is now the guest room. I can recall having my diaper changed in the living room and I remember eat lunch after kindergarten on our kitchen table. 
  • I am thankful for my church and church family. I love my church so much, I feel so comfortable and safe there surrounded by people who love God and who support me. I adore Sundays because I get to go to service and sing my heart out to worship songs followed by listening to an awesome message. 
  • Most of all I am thankful for GOD. The LORD almighty who allows me to live and breath, who has given me all of these blessings and who takes enormous weights off my chest every day. When I am worried or upset or scared I know I can give it to GOD who can carry any burden that I can't handle. I don't know what I would do without my faith, it has given me strength and comfort when I need it most. 
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! What are you thankful for??


Saturday, November 19, 2011

And the Ball Gets Rolling

I got my first college acceptance letter today! Yeehaw! The great part is that this is the college that I'm really considering going to, now I feel like I can breath easier. There is still a lot of dorm anxiety for me to get over but I think by September I'll be good to go.

I'm just so thankful that I got in, so thankful for all the opportunities that God has provided for me.


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Word Wednesdays

I call these the wandering of a mind, enjoy:

Autumn, leaves, trees, raking, crunching, dog poop, my dog, black and white, piano,  music, beatles, hair cuts, long hair, frizz, Garnier Fructis, green, grass, favorite, pretty, smile, hippies, Across the Universe, movie, theaters, The Nutcracker, barbie, ken, kelly, swan lake, ballet, Black Swan, Natalie Portman, Where the Heart Is, movie, dollar, money, babysitting, job, sandwich, shop, mall, stores, clothes, sweaters, leaves. Autumn.

It took me 43 thoughts to return to my original ones. Fun stuff! Try it sometime.


Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Midnovember Musings

First off all I really can't believe that it's already the middle of November! Months just go by so fast these days.

Clearly every store is in a huge hurry to start their Christmas sales. Everywhere I go Christmas music is playing and decorations are up. Crazy considering Christmas is in over a month. I don't really like to rush any holiday. I start my Christmas season on the first of December, which gives me 25 days of anticipation and preparation.

But really, as I'm typing this I'm beginning to get excited, I just love Christmas! I really do, I love everything about it. It is by far my favorite holiday.

In other news I'm trying to get my math grade under control. Every other subject is going very well with the exception of Biochemistry which is a bit trick but manageable. My math teacher is a little rough around the edges. To be honest I'm a bit afraid of him but I think we'll end up being friends. Maybe. I'm also doing a bit of writing since I want to finish one final short story to go into the collection that I'm binding for a Christmas gift. I'm having a bit of writers block but I'll push past it.

Anywho, I don't really have that much else to say. I'm sure this has been a bit boring. I feel like there was something else that I wanted to write but I can't think of it right now. Next time.

Happy Tuesday!


Monday, November 14, 2011


I have SO much to catch up on!! But I will begin with my 11-11-11 experience! First of all, I have been waiting for 11-11-11 since I was 11 years old and in 6th grade.

My whole sixth grade year the time 11:11 came when I was in Language Arts class (now called English) I always looked at my digital watch and I loved the way that all the one's lined up, specially when it was 11:11 with 11 seconds. One day I calculated that when I was a senior in high school it would be the year 2011 and then would come the day in mid November when it would be 11-11-11 and on that day when it was 11:11 with 11 seconds something really awesome would happen.

So the day comes around after 6 years of anticipation I calculate that the time would occur when I was at lunch. Perfect! More opportunity to celebrate. So I ended up having to get math help during my lunch period that day, no biggie I could still watch the clock. Well, I'm in the library, in the middle of a VERY complicated math problem (dividing algebraic expressions) when I kept hearing the teacher in a neighboring classroom saying "Just 10 more minutes!" and finally I heard the class counting down and cheering. I'm thinking "What the heck is going on?" until I realized I MISSED MY MOMENT! I MISSED 11-11-11 at 11:11:11!!!! AFTER 6 YEARS OF WAITING! ALL BECAUSE OF MATH!!

Naturally I was very upset BUT all was no lost, I still had 11:11:11 pm. That night I crawl into bed early and I say goodnight to my sister whose room is next door. She then reminds me that I'll be missing the big moment if I go to sleep. Stupid me, I really forgot again?? I was really so tired that I nearly just gave up on the whole thing but then I reminded myself how long I've been waiting for this. So I told my sister that she could wake me up at 11:11 and we would count down together. I fell asleep and right as she said, my sister called for me and we counted down. Bam, the big moment came and gone. I cheered, I wooped but to be honest I was half asleep so I don't remember it all that much. I don't know what my 11 year old self imagined would happen but I totally owed it to myself to experience it.

So that was 11-11-11 experience. More to come soon!


Saturday, November 5, 2011

What Am I Meant To Do?

That's the red-hot question on my mind. For the past 4 years I though I wanted to be a nurse. Now, senior year, crunch time, I realize that that may not be the case. I want to be a nurse I'm just not sure that it's feasible for me. Too much math and science, plain and simple. So...what am I supposed to do now? What does God have in store for me? The thing is I just have no idea at all and that scares me because I need to have some sort of plan.

I know what I want to be doing 10 years down the road, I want to have a husband and maybe I'll have had 2 of my 4 kids. I want to have had a career for a few years and take time off until my youngest is in school.

I know what I want I guess, I just don't know how to get there.
Or maybe I just wish I could skip all the hard stuff in between.

But  I know, I know that there will still be conflicts and trials no matter where I am in life. I know that motherhood is no picnic but that is the one thing that I KNOW I want to do with my life. Above all else I want to be a mother. But that can't be the only thing, I get that. I know that I'll end up regretting not going to college and getting a degree, besides how am I supposed to meet someone if I just stay at home and watch the clock turn.

How am I supposed to grow that way anyhow?

I've got so many questions, so many worries and so very many concerns about my future. Being the selfish human that I am I just want to ask God "Tell me what I am supposed to do! Just tell me so I'll know! Why can't you show me God? Why can't you make it easy?"

The thing is that it's not meant to be easy. Life isn't easy but I can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me, seriously, I really can. I just have to trust that whatever God has in store for me is exactly what I am supposed to be doing and that I will find my way if I just follow Him.

It's a lot to take in but it's what I'm facing right now and I just have to put my chin up and jump in headfirst.


Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The Demands of a High School Senior

You have to apply to ALL your college choices by November (x)
Your grades must be impeccable ()
You have to be super savvy on the whole college process ()
You must be excited to move away from home (x) also can't be afraid to leave home ()
You must become BFF's with your counselor because she's the one who sends the transcripts (x)
You must participate in all the senior activities ()
You have to start wearing college everyday ()
Teachers become more like friends then advisers  (x)

I'll write a long post tomorrow

Monday, October 24, 2011

Words Will Never Hurt Me

Or will they??

Today I came home early from school because I have a monster cold...sore throat, ear ache...the whole nine yards. As I was going to my locker to get my book bag I passed a group of kids waiting by these doors. One of them said "Look a midget!"

Breath in, breath out...I wanted to flick them off...I wanted to swear at them. What did I do instead? I turned around and gave them the most hurt look I could muster. I wanted to make them feel bad since that was what they'd done to me.

Now alright I know I'm short but I am by no means a "midget" or the correct term "little person". I hate it when people comment about how short I am, like I don't already know. I know I should just brush it off but it really hurt my feelings, like more than I expected it too. It just stinks that people are so darn ignorant.

But alas I will redeem this day! Hopefully I'll feel well enough to go visit my grandma after school and I get to babysit two adorable babies tonight, it's a good thing I'm no longer contagious!


Saturday, October 22, 2011

It's a Cupcake Kind of Day

I am in the middle of making/frosting/decorating 2 dozen cupcakes. 1 dozen is for someone special's birthday and the other dozen is for the family. I really only meant to make 12 but I ended up with more batter than I anticipated. Tragic.

Later my sisters and I are going to a nearby fruit farm for some fall fun. This evening I'm babysitting 1 year old twins with my sister. They're always fun so I'm looking forward to it.

Anyway...lately I've been thinking about my friends. I have a lot of friends at school but none of them exactly have the same morals as me, at least not for the same reason. They're not bad people or anything but I want to surround myself with people who will build me up and be a good example. That is why I need more friends at Church. Hopefully I can start going to this young adult Bible study that my Church offers, I want to go but I'm just nervous because everyone there are already friends. We'll see.

Oh have I mentioned that I'm getting a cold again? That's right, my FOURTH cold this year....I hate being sick....hate it...hate it....hate it!

Gotta go frost some cupcakes!

Happy Saturday!


Thursday, October 20, 2011

Let's Start From the Very Begining

The other day I got back to my roots. I renewed giving my life to Christ. I just feel like I've strayed lately and I want to start really cracking down on my growing as a Christian. I want to see improvement in the way I act. I want to read the Bible more and memorize more scripture. I want to do these things not just for me but for God.

I'm hoping that I can stay on this path and not stray again.

Sorry for the short post again...I feel like a cheater! I'm starting to figure out the blog a little better so you'll be noticing a few changes soon. As you can see I've already added an about me page. Fun stuff!
Happy Thursday!


Tuesday, October 18, 2011


Long break, sorry for that.
A lot has been going on, both good and not so good.

Here is a poem to summarize the past 2 weeks;

2 weeks has gone by
Just like that
I've done a lot
I've babysat

I've been spending time
With my favorite Gram
School makes me want to go
On the lamb

Some anger
Has built up inside
I try to keep it in
And try to hide

These feelings that
Should not be
It's really senseless
And harmful to me

I applied to a college
I should get in
To the best
Of my knowledge

A few fears have
Been put at ease
Some things have changed
Including the trees

A new season is here
A time for new things
I've got to fly
To spread my wings

The end.

More soon!


Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Why I Write Part 2

I write because I can.

I have always had the natural ability to write. Pair that up with a passion to write and you get a pretty dedicated writer. From the time I was in 2nd grade I've always been writing. I started out writing some pretty simple, short mystery "books". By the time I was 9 I had written two fairly lengthy short stories and from that point to about 2 years after I worked on a children's novel. From when I was 13-15 I would write stories but never finish. In the past 2 years I have started and finished several long pieces! Yay!

Today I got an essay back at school and I got an A! This doesn't surprise me at all because writing has always come so naturally. I can easily ace any essay that I am given, even if I don't know the material. It kind of makes me wonder if maybe I should be going into something English related next year in college instead of for thought.
I think the reason that I wrote so much last year in particular was because I was taking Creative Writing class at school, it really kept me in my writing "groove". I wanted to take the class again this year but I didn't have any space in my schedule. So I'm kind of stuck in a writing rut. I started 2 new pieces but I'm just not feeling them...does that make sense? Blogging has been a great way for me to write but not feel the pressure of thinking about characters, plots and length. The blog is sort of my way to write about anything and everything that is on my mind. And I love it!


Monday, October 3, 2011


Here is my review of the movie 50/50:

Okay so at the start of the movie there was one conversation between the 2 main characters that was rather vulgar. I was like "Oh man what have I gotten myself into!" but it turned out that that was the only scene that was like that. The main characters name is Adam and his best friend is Kyle. Kyle's character is likes to use some crude humor (he's probably the reason for the R rating) but he has good intentions.

The movie starts out and you are drawn into Adam's life. He works at a radio station and is working on a piece about a volcano. He's kind of quirky, he doesn't drive (too dangerous!) and he bites his nails a lot. Him and Kyle are long time college best friends, both of them are 27. About 10 minutes into the film we find out that Adam has been having back pain and night sweats so he goes in for some tests at the hospital and they find out he has a rare type of cancerous tumor in on his spine. At first he is shocked and seems fearful. He tells Kyle who is convinced he will be fine, his not-so-nice girlfriend Rachel is hesitantly supportive and his mother is extremely upset.

Before treatment begins Adam starts going for regular visits to a therapist that the hospital has provided him with. Her name is Katherine and she is new at her job (Adam is her 3rd patient). She is very nervous and awkward but she tries very hard to help Adam feel at ease with virtually no success.

Adam begins treatment and is faced with many debilitating side affects. In a long string of events, unfaithfulness on her part and failure to be supportive, he breaks up with Rachel. Newly single Kyle tries to get Adam to use his illness as a way to pick up women. They go out to a night club and bring some girls home (there is a brief sexual scene here) but Adam quickly realizes that his love life is not the same now that he is sick.

After being in treatment for quite some time Adam goes in for his MRI to see if it is working. When Kyle is not available to come with him to his appointment Adam finally calls his mom who he has been avoiding for months. His mother and father (who has Alzheimers and cannot understand what is going on) accompany him to the hospital where they are informed that the treatment has not worked and Adams only option is a very invasive and risky surgery to remove the tumor that may not even work. Adam agrees to have the surgery the very next week.

On the night before his surgery Adam and Kyle go out and Kyle gets drunk. Adam tries driving Kyle's car home but experiences a breakdown and ends up calling Katherine for support. Back at Kyle's apartment Adam finds something that shows him just how much Kyle cares about him.

Kyle take Adam to the hospital where his mom waits with him to go into surgery. The moments before he is wheeled away are very emotional and probably my favorite scenes of the whole movie as we finally see Adam's vulnerable side.


In the end they are able to remove Adams tumor and he is declared Cancer free. The movie closes with Adam preparing for a date with Katherine.


Overall I loved this movie. I loved Adam;s character and the dynamic that all his supporting actors brought to the table. I would strongly recommended it to you!!  It will leave you feeling hopeful and you will fall in love with Adam and his sweet personality.

Overall rating: 8.5/10


Sunday, October 2, 2011

Happy October!

Goals for the month:

  • Try even harder in school
  • Read the Bible every day without fail
  • Patience. 
  • Spend less money
  • Have a certain family over for dinner
  • Spend some time with my friend and her baby
  • Spend more time with C
In other news yesterday was a really great day. My sister, my best friend C and I went to see the movie 50/50. I think I'll review it in another post but it was really good! After the move we hung out at my house and watched Dance Moms. Ahem.  We were really hungry and we were going to go out to dinner but then C's parents invited us over to eat a DELICIOUS pasta dish. Then we went out for ice cream!

Fun times and a great way to welcome in the new month!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Bundle of Love

I held my friends baby today when we went to see her. Such a sweet little thing, I love her already. Even though my friend and her boyfriend are way too young to be parents I'm hoping and praying that they'll do a good job. They've got a sweet little girl who deserves a job well done.


Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Welcome Baby

Yesterday my old friend who was pregnant (I mentioned her earlier) had her baby girl. She is 17 years old. I know that most people would say that they can't imagine having a baby that young, but I've thought about it before so I guess I could imagine what it would be like.

After watching 16 and Pregnant and subsequently Teen Mom and Teen Mom 2 I've had an inside look in what teenage motherhood would be like. In every case-it's not easy, that's for sure. But when the girls had a supportive family, it made things a whole lot better. I know my family would be very disappointed in me if I were in that situation (trust me, I never will be!) but I know they would support me.

I'm a daydreamer so of course I've had several daydreams about myself as a teen mom, I'll admit that they sugar coat things as daydreams usually do but I feel like with my family and with my natural knack to handle stress and responsibility I feel that I would be okay. Now maybe that's a naive thing to say, but I know myself and I'm good at stepping up to the plate when it really matters.

I've always wanted to have children and if nothing else I want to be a mother. Sometimes I'll catch myself thinking that I'd like a baby now but then I have to remember that I'm not ready for that even if I feel that I am. Even if I would do a good job I know I could do a much better job as a financially stable, married adult.

As far as my friend and her little baby is concerned I'm not sure how she'll do. She's always had a strained relationship with her mom although it has gotten a lot better recently. Her dad is pretty much out of the picture and doesn't live nearby. Her family has had money issues but as of now I think they're alright, a baby does add menses expense though. My only concern is that my friend may not be emotionally ready or mature enough for this. I guess I'll have to wait and see. I just hope that her 5 pound bundle of cuteness grows up with the best life possible and that one day she'll look back and be thankful for her upbringing. I guess teenage mother or not that's all you can really ask for.


Tuesday, September 27, 2011

As I Stood in the Grocery Store Eating Teddy Grams...

I felt as if I could be a little kid again. Hanging on my moms purse, pleased that she'd allow me to open my snack while still in the store. My mom stayed at home with my sisters and I until I was 11 and my best memories from my early childhood are simple: running errands, watching Disney movies, helping make dinner with her.

I'm not kidding when I say that I had an awesome childhood.

I will admit that I didn't like preschool, I had a hard time seeing my mom go and had a fear of her never coming back. Of course she always did! Sometimes after she picked me up we would take walks to the park or to a toy store near our house. We would wait on the front steps for my older sister to come home on the bus and just talk. Sometimes she'd tell me stories about a squirrel and her best friend whose lies always got her into trouble. When my sister got home we'd go inside for a snack and then we'd played as mom made dinner.

Since my dad worked 2nd shift for most of my younger years I would see him in the morning and for a few hours after preschool, but at dinner it was just us three girls. Mom would make all sorts of healthy organic dinners and nearly every Sunday the house would fill with the smell of her homemade sauce.

After dinner she'd take us upstairs for baths where we would wash our hair with L'Oreal Kids shampoo and while she toweled us off and brushed our hair she would tell us jokes and stories. Before bed my mom always read us a few books. We loved the Bearenstein Bears and Golden Books. Then it was the usual:

Don't let the bed bugs bight!
See you in the morning light!
I love you!
Sweet dreams!
and in later years:
God Bless!

My days were filled with blissful childlike abandon and love for and from my parents. My dad would spend time with us too, we'd wrestle around and sometimes just put on music and dance around the living room. He would pick me up and waltz me about the carpet.

On weekends we would all bike up to the local library, my dad toting me in a bike-seat or a carriage that attached to the back of his bike, as we rode over the wooden bridge we would make sure to talk so we could hear our voices wobble.

Other weekends we'd go to the park or to visit family. I have very fond memories of going to visit my grandpa and searching the house for the promised bowl of m&m's or mini chocolate bars. Often times we'd get together with my dads side of the family, with my favorite grandma and my aunts and uncles and 4 cousins. Get togethers were the norm and since my favorite uncle and aunt lived just two houses away, we saw them quite often.

I will always reflect on my childhood as the best anyone could ask for and sometimes little things will take me back. Even if it is just the taste of teddy grams.


Thursday, September 22, 2011

Thank You Alumni!!

We recently had an alumni assembly at school where former students get inducted into the "Hall of Fame" so to speak. Last year it was fairly boring but this year there were 4 speakers and every one of them was inspirational. I loved it! Best of all 2 of them were Christians and not shy about sharing their faith with us. One of the men that was inducted used a really great quote in his speech:

"Don't let your challenges control you, let them empower you"

Amen to that! Seriously though, it really "spoke to me" and without sounding too cheesy it really is a life changing way of thinking. I am thankful that God put these speakers in my life just days after I was feeling so stressed out. Truly amazing!


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Living On a Prayer

Yep, that's me. Living on this prayer:

Dear Lord please help everything to work out with college and my life in general next year. I am so stressed out Lord, please help me to relax and let you guide my way. Amen.

More to come. Sorry for the long break, I've been...busy.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Here's a List For You

1. I got C 16 presents for her 16th birthday and I can't wait for her to open them

2. I'm freaking out because my throat is scratchy and I'm most likely getting a cold. How I hate colds, seriously I always get them worse than anyone else. Equipped with nausea, headaches and fevers.

3. We're having my old best friend over for dinner tonight so we can give her presents for her baby. Yes, that's right she's pregnant. I expect it to be somewhat awkward but there's nothing wrong with giving support to those who need it.

4. My sour mood has hardly let up lately, especially since I think I'm getting sick.

5. I taped the movie My Girl and I'm way too excited to watch it.

6. I fell asleep at 9:30 last night but I was woken up again at 11:00 and then at 11:15 and finally at 2:00 I went to sleep for the night but was woken up again at 8:00.

7. I hate that I can no longer sleep in.

8. I've been reading an awesome blog, find it here at: This mother is awesome and I want to be like her when I get older. She loves God and she stays home with her 6 adorable kids.

9. Red velvet cake is for desert and guess who really WANTS IT NOW...

10. There's a bit of turmoil going on at my house right now, nothing major though.

11. Can I just say that I am very blessed? I complain too much about little things but when it comes down to it, I am very blessed.


Thursday, September 8, 2011


I'm feeling very discouraged today. Maybe it was because I'm tired or the fact that I didn't understand a word that the teacher said today in Math class or it could be because my dad cancelled my recording of Dance Moms. Ahem.

I also missed the deadline to submit my self nomination form. It said the wrong date on the sheet and I guess I never got the memo that they were supposed to be handed in on the 8th, not the 13th. Oh well. I'll never know what would have happened. But a girl can dream.

Anyway, I've been really down lately. When school starts up again I always notice that my mood will take serious nosedive. I hate to say it but after 3 months of summer-high I have now hit an all time school-low. I hate waking up early, I hate not understanding material, I hate homework and I hate the long walks between classes. It really helps to have something to look forward to when I get home though, like a light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. Yesterday I looked forward to going to my sisters ENT appointment (I like hospitals, yes I know I'm the only one). Today I looked forward to watching Dance Moms with my sister while my parents go to orientation at my school. That's clearly down the toilet. Luckily the episode is also airing at 10:30 tonight so I can record it again, so long as my wonderful father does not delete it this time.

I've gotten off topic. Back to the root of my bad mood. I think it's just the stress of knowing that a lot of hard work is ahead of me. College visits, essays, applications...sometimes I just want to throw my hands in the air and give up. Go to community college for my freshmen year. Oh my would that ever be easy.

But I'm not looking for easy and easy is not what I need. I'm need independence and freedom and responsibilities. What I want is comfort and familiarity though. I NEED to overcome those things though.

Here's to hoping my mood improves.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Life's a Beach

I just got back from the beach. Can I just say that I love the beach? I love the sand, the water...the atmosphere. It makes me sad to think that this will probably be the last beach trip until next summer. Major BUMMER!

So I haven't exactly opened up about school yet so here it is: School has been beyond brutal and I'm sick of it.

I went into this school year thinking "I will get great grades, I will study hard, I will have an awesome Senior year" Eh, not so much. I really really tried, I tried to have a positive attitude and willing heart. I do all of my homework, I study, I go for extra help. But by golly, I still don't get it.

What am I talking about? Math...! I've always loathed it, it's the one subject that no matter how hard I try I can't succeed. I can have a certain skill demonstrated for me over and over again, I can practice it but I can never really learn and understand it! I think maybe I'm just stupid. I hope not, I really do but I really really want to do well I just don't know how. I've cried about it, prayed about it, thought about it nonstop but I have no solution. It seems utterly hopeless.

I'll probably just get a tutor but I've tried that twice and it never really works out. My options are limited. I should feel comfortable with getting help from my teacher but he makes me feel like an idiot when I do something wrong.

What to do???????
To be continued I guess.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Why Can't I?

Soooo sorry for the posting lull. I've been busy with school starting up and all that goes with it. Everything is going OK I guess but more about that later.

This week the self-nomination forms for the "Sweet 16" came out. I'll bet your wondering what exactly that is. For our Homecoming dance there is 16 girls (Sweet 16) that are in the running for the homecoming court. 4 girls make it in the court and in addition, one person becomes queen. You see ever since I started high school and we would have the homecoming assembly I would imagine what it would be like to walk across the heavily decorated gym as a song of my choice plays and the principle reads off all of my high school accomplishments.

The problem is, I'm not popular, I'm not athletic. I'm pretty sure that I'm at least known by all the kids in my grade and I have never done anything to make others dislike me but I'm not high school royalty. I'm not a cheerleader, I'm not on the soccer team and I don't have the perfect figure. But I really, really want to get on the Sweet 16. I know it's a superficial title and that there are plenty of more important accomplishments but I can't help it I really want to walk across the gym in my dress, I really want to do this one thing before I lose the chance.

So I grabbed a nomination form from the manilla envelope hanging outside the office. As I was walking to get it I saw 2 popular girls that you would expect to see win take 2 from the folder. I waited until they left to take my form, I didn't want them to see me and think...I don't know...think:

"How dare she think that she'll ever win, no one will vote for her. What has she ever even done?"

The truth is, there are easily 16 girls that are expected to get on the S16 and I'm not one of them. It's a long shot for me to think that a lot of people will vote for me. I know my friends will but it won't be enough.I'm scared to even fill out and turn in the form because that will mean that people will see my name on the sheet when they vote and again they'll think:

"How dare she think that she'll ever win, no one will vote for her. What has she ever even done?" 

The form is hanging on my wall by my desk. I have all of the requirements, my GPA is higher than 2.5, I have 2 extra curricular activities. It also says that I have to submit a picture along with the form. Why? I don't know. Will they take one look at me and toss my form in the trash?  That is, if I even have the courage to fill it out and turn it in.

We'll see.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The Last Vestiges of Summer

Today is the last day of summer. I have slept in for the last time, eaten breakfast with my family, ran errands, rode my bike, gone on a job interview (another story to be told later), made mine and my younger sisters lunches, watched a little TV, set out my school supplies, made my senior shirt and now I am listening to my mom make dinner in the kitchen. I like to pack a lot in.
Summer has flown by, all three parts of it. June=Carefree Zone, July=Safe Zone, August=DANGER ZONE. WATCH OUT FOR AUGUST! But...alas it's too late to try and enjoy every last moment. I've tried to, I've spent many moments thinking about how happy I was that it was summer and savoring all that went along with it. I just like to be able to look back on summer fondly and not think that it wasted away.

Here are the things that I LOVE about summer:
-Sitting on the green grass and talking with friends/family
-Sleeping in
-The beach
-Spending more time with my mom and dad
-Ice cream, lots of it!
-Warm weather and the sun

Here are the things that I like about summer:
-Watching storms
-Grilling out
-Staying up late
-All the parties

Here are the things I dislike about summer:
-The lack of routine
-Having to put on sunblock nearly every day
-Not seeing friends
-Eating unhealthy (alright, alright I love ice cream but still!)

I feel a  bit better about going to school after making that last list.

Monday, August 22, 2011

The first "last"

Today is the last day that I will be able to think "no school tomorrow" without it being a weekend or a holiday break. I still have some summer left, even if it is just a day.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

My Best Friend

When I was 11 I became best friends with C. We pretty much hit it off from the start, we're interested in the same things and share a similar thought process. C and I would spend hours telling stories back and forth, we'd pack picnics, pick flowers, draw, play dolls...most of the time it didn't even matter what we were doing because if we were doing it together it was always fun.

C loves to write. G loves to write. Thus the foundations of our friendship was formed on this mutual hobby that was so much more than that. Telling stories, as mentioned above, became our favorite pass time. We tell them over the phone or in person it didn't really matter but each story was different. At first they were scary ones but then they evolved into dramatic tales of sickness and summer love. I can remember almost every one. It sends a little pang in my chest to think back to those more carefree times. Telling stories with C defines my preteen years. Don't get me wrong though it's not like we were those kinds of kids who were only interested in one thing. We still loved going to the mall and swimming and all of those other things I mentioned in the first paragraph. Writing was just something that we both loved.

C didn't/doesn't go to my school so it was nice not having to worry about a bunch of other friends influencing our friendship and there was no competition between us either. That's why its easy for us to talk about school problems, because the other one can answer with an objective answers.

C has always been there for me, when I was in the hospital she came and visited me. When I broke my arm she was right there next to me. When I was down about something I knew she would be able to help me out.

C loves me for who I am. When I get sarcastic and short she understands how to bring me down a peg and tame me! She knows the things that I struggle with, just as I know what she struggles with. She helps me sort through my problems without belittling me or blaming me.

C knows all of my secrets and she doesn't ever tell them. I never feel afraid to confide in her because I know her lips are sealed. But if I told her something really major that could potentially turn into a big problem or hurt somebody, she would know that it had to be shared. She only wants whats best for me.

C will always be my best friend. Even when I go off to college a year before her. Even if we don't speak for years. Even if she lives halfway across the world. Even if, someday when we are old, life separates us. No matter what.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

A Year of "Lasts". A Year of "Firsts".

It will be a year of lasts and a year of firsts. 

Yesterday was my last Wednesday of Summer, today is my last Thursday. Time has really flown since June!

This Wednesday will be my last first day of school, from then on I will only be having first days of college will totally different seeing as I plan on living on campus. I've had 12 first days of school up to this point and I think I can remember pretty much each one with the exception of a few in Elementary school. When I first began Kindergarten I was TERRIFIED, everything was new, the people, the school, the teacher. I really don't like new things very much and I'm not really one for change so the transition was a bit rocky and I didn't really start to enjoy school until 2nd grade. After Kindergarten I don't remember my first day of 1st through 4th grade but I do remember the start of my fifth grade year rather well. I was going to be the oldest in the school so I was quit excited. I picked out a new shirt and skirt. I felt pretty impressive even though I could only have been about 4ft tall!

I remember every year after 5th grade but there are a few that stick out to me. 8th grade was my first year in the high school building and I got lost. In 10th grade I had a really hard time finding a place to sit at lunch and last year for the first time ever I wasn't nervous at all. I know I won't be nervous this year either, it'll be my 5th year in the same school. I'm incredibly used to it by now, there is not room that I can't place and no teacher that I can't picture. My last 1st day will most likely be very uneventful.

Besides my first day, there will be a lot more "lasts" this year, I'll attend my last homecoming and winter dance. I'll take my last exams, go on my last winter and spring break and participate in my last fire drill. I'm sad to leave a place that is so familiar and comfortable to me especially since I'll be leaving it for a whole new place that is neither of those things.

This year there will also be some "firsts". I'll get to sit in the senior section during assemblies, sign my self out of school if need be, I'll go to Prom (hopefully someone will ask me!), I'll get to go on a Senior project. I will walk across the stage and graduate in June.

It will be a year of lasts and a year of firsts.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Seize the Day

Today I can't stop smiling. Even though school starts in 8 days and I had a restless sleep and my hair is an absolute mess I know that today is a great day. The events of today are pure proof that God answers prayers. No matter what the weather is like today this is what I will imagine that I see out my window:

Because God is the sun in my sky and nothing can cloud Him over.

I'll bet your wondering what has gotten me so's sort of a long story but I have a little time so I'll brief you. You see 2 years ago I met the most amazing family ever and in the past 2 years I have had the opportunity to get to know them and their kids very well. Today they had a baby girl! I have been praying for them throughout the whole pregnancy that the baby would be born healthy and full term and God has allowed both of those things to happen. I cannot wait to meet her! Cannot wait, cannot wait, cannot wait...

Monday, August 15, 2011

So Excited...

I just might burst. I just though I'd share that with you. I know I'll have sweet dreams tonight and good news to hear in the morning!

"All we like sheep have gone astray..."

Isn't it the truth? I wish...I wish that I had the natural ability to stop myself from making mistakes and being mean. But because of our sinful nature that is not going to happen. The truth is I really struggle sometimes with being kind to others, specifically my sisters. I usually know that what I am about to do/say will start a fight but I do it anyway. Because I just have to retaliate and I just have to get the last word in.

Recently I've been thinking of composing some sort of goals that I would like to achieve this school year (August to May) number one on that list will most certainly be: Be More Kind to Others. I think that everyone struggles with a specific sin and mine is probably anger. I get angry, I say mean things and regret it. I think I let too small of things get me mad, I get annoyed really easily and thus the annoyance usually leads to anger. I think if I just took a few seconds to just breath-take a few seconds to collect myself before acting out.

Once when I was little my younger sister was sitting next to me by the computer and she did something to get me angry, I can't even remember what it was. Anyway I just reached up and punched her in the mouth. Not hard but enough to startle her and make her cry. Immediately I felt terrible and I ran to my room and hid under my bed, I remember wishing so hard that I could turn back time and not have hurt. I replayed the scene in my head over and over out of pure guilt. That was the first and only time that I ever punched her.

But do I really want to have to learn from mistakes like that? Does it take punching my sister in the mouth to make myself be nicer to her? I don't want it to be like that, I want to recognize a potential problem that I may have and avoid it. I want to be able to zip my lips before anything hurtful comes out.

I've been praying about this for a long time but I think it's time that I do my part. And I will.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Say Cheese!

Yesterday I had a great time at my cousin's 1st birthday party! Lots of food and family and I managed to outrun a few bees. Today I am getting my senior pictures done. My mom spent about an hour straightening my hair last night and after sleeping on it it looks even better.

Now I'm trying to think about how I want to smile in these pictures. My normal smile is wide and reveals a lot of teeth. I like my natural smile a lot  but I don't know if it's sophisticated enough. It's weird that my picture will be preserved in the year book of my many classmates forever and when you put it that way I realize that I better take a good picture.

I picked my clothes carefully and I've studied my sisters senior yearbook for inspiration. I'd hate to be that girl who wore a tube top but in the picture it actually looks like she's nude. Or the guy who dresses too casually and ends up looking like he couldn't care less about anything at all. There are girls with way-too puffy hair and guys with longer hair then some girls! Some of the poses looks stiff and some look too loose. Some girls are way over tanned while some look like Casper the friendly ghost!
There really is a lot that could go wrong and something that may seem like a good idea at the time might not be after all. The thing about a senior picture is that no matter what you were like in high school you'll end up just a picture in a yearbook to most of you former classmates. And I want to be remembered nicely so the picture will be nice! I hope.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

We're Captive On a Carousal of Time

Time. It's inevitable, unavoidable and scary sometimes. We can't stop time, the world revolves around it our lives are measured by it. It's always "time" for something. Be it lunch or dinner or time for an oil change or to have a baby. I consider myself to be a fairly deep thinker and time is a subject that I contemplate quite often. Sometimes I hate time like when summer flies by and it's time for school again. Sometimes I love time like when April rolls around and its finally time for my birthday again.

But one thing I've noticed as I've gotten older is that the more you age the faster time goes by. I remember when an hour seemed to feel like days and a year was eternity. How the length of a Ruggrats episode was only 30 minutes but it felt like I was watching a movie. Ever since I've started high school the years have flown by. One year ago today my family and I were on vacation in California, now that does not seem like a year ago to me at all. Today, for example, my family and I are going to my cousins baby's 1st birthday party. I keep thinking, can she really be one already? No way! But it's true, a year ago she was a wrinkly little infant and now she's a little walking talking person. A year can change a lot.

Another thing about time is it's ability to mature and age you. I remember when I was little I would imagine being in high school and it seemed like a fantasy that would never quite come true. But here I am. I would set goals for myself, like by eighth grade I should no longer be scared to do things by myself (goal accomplished). But seriously it's like all your childhood you think that maybe you might just never grow up and then you do and it's this total letdown because being little is a million times better. I'm not saying that I hate being a teenager or anything, in fact I sort of love my life most of the time. I'm just saying that I'd take being young and carefree back any day.

And so leads me to another point, to an adult I might be considered young and carefree. To a 25, 40 or 70 year old being 17 is probably the epitome of youth. Adults tell me all the time to "enjoy being young" because these are the "best years of your life". But seriously? Are they really? Because I find that insanely hard to believe. I guess it's ironic that you yearn for your younger days but never quite cherish the period of time you are in now.

I guess the bummer of being 17 is that I don't know how everything will turn out. I would like to say that in 10 or so years I'll have a husband, the first 2 of my 4 kids and a stable nursing job. But I don't know that for sure. It's just a daydream at this point. Within 10 years there will be college and moving out and dating and working...who knows what it will all lead up to? I guess I'll just have to wait and find out. Only time will tell.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Why I Write

This past school year (Junior year) I took a creative writing class. Our very first assignment was to answer the question, why do you write? Surprisingly my answer did not come as quickly as i would have expected. I actually had a little trouble thinking of a good one sentence response. I finally came up with: I write because I can create characters that are really just other sides or me. Not too in depth but it is the truth, however it's not necessarily the only truth to why I write. Sure, I like the characters, I love the feeling of finishing a piece and the feedback is always nice. Bur the main reason I write is because it's the one thing I couldn't stop doing do even if I tried. It's my one real talent. I've played soccer, softball and floor hockey and I've danced ballet and took ice skating lessons for two years. I was good at a few of those things but not one of them am I still involved in today. I've been writing since I was 7 and I haven't stopped. That's 10 years of non stop writing. A decade.

The truth is I never get tired of that feeling I get when I start a new story. It's a feeling that I can't quite compare to any other. Maybe that of a child on Christmas or an Olympic gymnast about to do her floor routine (Though I've never been an Olympic gymnast). I'm hoping that I will continue to write my entire life, if God allows I would LOVE to publish a book or two. I don't have that many people that really like to take the time to read my work. My sister and my grandmother are good about wanting to read my newest piece but unfortunately my parents (who are awesome parents in all other respects) are never the ones to initiate wanting to read my writing and not being writers themselves they're not all that good at feedback.

Blogging is really fun for me because I can at least pretend that some one else is reading.  But seriously, is there anybody out there? Hello? Hello?

Friday, August 5, 2011

First Post Ever

I'm a little down in the dumps right now because I wrote this whole post out and then my laptop, Lars, decided to be stupid and randomly exit out of this page. Hopefully I'll be able to recreate the original post...we'll see.

I'm not going to start this blog by blabbing on about myself I'd rather explain myself through future posts. to be honest I'm not all that interesting. There have been a few interesting events in my life but I'm mostly your average teenage girl.

So I just finished watching the movie, The Outsiders. For those who don't know, it's based off of the book, The Outsiders by S.E Hinton.
Hands down the best book I've ever read. I'm sure most of you have felt like an outsider before and if you're in the minority that haven't. let me tell you it's not a good feeling. Anyway, the book has many themes, the bond of siblings, the bond of friends, fitting in, social class and violence. If you haven't read it then you're seriously missing out!

In other news school is starting in exactly 19 days-yikes! I still can't believe that this is going to be my last year of High School. The past 4 years have gone by insanely fast and I don't expect my senior year to go by any slower. Hopefully, in these next 9 months or so, I'll be able to take a few deep breaths and enjoy my last year. But between college visits, applications and social events I'm not sure that I will be able to truly appreciate the novelty of everything. Going off to college is both terrifying and thrilling to me at the same time. I have confidence that by August 2012 the terrifying part will have worn off.

I'll try to post daily.